Zero & Peter's Apartment (Casa Swerval), Los Angeles, Saturday Night

[swerval_zero]

Zero was sitting upside down on the couch, feet in the air and her head near the floor, and her camcorder had been rigged up under the coffee table with tape and a couple of unbent wire hangers. She reached over, pressed 'record,' and started reading from a set of index cards all metaed as appropriate:

"Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life: terrible." She tossed that one aside. "300." She looked over--or under, rather--the index cards at the camera. "Full of eye candy, but let's face it. Terrible." Toss. "Gamer: terrible." Toss. "Law Abiding Citizen. Terrible." Toss. "The Ugly Truth. Terrible. Coriolanus. Upcoming. Shakespeare, so it's automatically classy. But also, possibly the Bard's most dreadful play." And now she was out of cards. "I'm speaking, of course, about Gerard Butler. I'm concerned, Internet. He's very attractive and very Scottish, but he keeps making terrible movies. There are really two possibilities here. One: he's actually a terrible actor. I don't think it's that, though, because it's not just him. The whole movies are bad. So that leaves two: he shouldn't be allowed to pick his own movies any more. I think it might be two. Wiki used to tell me he'd been signed on to a movie based on a Sartre short story, but that's gone now, and anyway as we all know, Wiki lies. So, Gerard, if you're watching this. Gerry. Can I call you Gerry? Does anyone know if he calls hits on people who call him Gerry? Maybe we'd better stick with Gerard. You need help. You need someone to tell you 'no, that sounds terrible.' Your agent isn't going to say 'gin, because they're making money hand over fist off your crap movies. Luckily, I have a solution. You're making money hand over fist. You can hire someone to tell you which movies to make. You can hire me! I can do it over the phone, and I work cheap. 'It's a movie about how gamers have no respect for human life.' 'No.' Click. See how easy that would've been? So, Gerard Butler." Zero reached up onto the couch and held a sign that read 'Call Me' in front of her face. Upside down. After a moment she rotated it right side up so it was readable, then reached out and hit stop on the camera.

Then she sat up, because all of her blood was currently in her head and she didn't think that was a great thing.

Take number seventeen of episode number 6 of Zero vs. Hollywood was a success.

((Open to the boyfriend or for phone calls/e-mails/carrier pigeons.))

Comments

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't call a hit on you, for what it's worth," Peter mused once he was sure the camera wasn't rolling.

[swerval_zero]

"It would be really squallin' PR, wouldn't it?" Zero mused. "Of course, I just spent ten minutes goin' on about how he has no good sense. Soooooo." She contrived to look concerned for her own safety.

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"I'd offer my services as a bodyguard just in case, but we both know you wouldn't need it," Peter mused.

Not only because it wouldn't happen, but also because she'd beat up any assassin who went after her.

[swerval_zero]

She so very would. "But you're handy to have in reserve," she said with a grin.

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"Backup, and delivering a noogie once you're done with them," Peter said. "I think it's important to bring noogies into this kind of thing."

[swerval_zero]

"S'a deterent from future assassination attempts. Or summat," Zero said.

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"You know, if something like this ever happens thanks to something on YouTube, I think that's the point where the internet has gone just a little too far," Peter mused.

[swerval_zero]

"Someone hired skinheads to kidnap my parents over song rights," Zero reminded him. "It would not surprise me the tiniest bit."

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes I forget that you live a crazy life," Peter said. "I don't know how, but I do."

[swerval_zero]

"Must be because I seem so normal," Zero said with a perfect poker face.

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"Maybe. Maybe also a little because, really, who would expect some of the stuff that happens to you?" Peter asked. "And that's saying something, coming from me."

[swerval_zero]

"Well, some of us have never been bitten by a radioactive spider," Zero pointed out. "So we have to make our own fun."

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"It was a genetically modified spider, actually," Peter pointed out. People always seemed to say radioactive for some reason. "But I suppose your point stands."

[swerval_zero]

Zero waved one hand around vaguely. "Genetics, X-rays, whatever, it still gave you swerval powers. An' of course it does. I'm always right."

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"I'm not so sure about that," Peter said. "I bet you've been wrong at least a couple times in your life."

[swerval_zero]

"Besides those times."

[peter--parker.livejournal.com]

"Oh, well, in that case..."

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

*Ring*

Yes, it's 5 AM in Oxford. What's your point?

[swerval_zero]

Zero answered the phone with, "Go back to sleep, crazy woman."

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"No. Too late. I've had coffee." Parker was out pacing in the cold crisp Oxford morning in the Quad. "I have too much to do. How is L.A.? And Peter? And do you think dangling Jarod off a bridge will convince him my idea is best?"

[swerval_zero]

Parker had so had coffee. "Speakin' as someone who just spent some time upside down, couldn't hurt. But he's really squallin' heavy from what I remember."

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"Frak. True. I'd need industrial strength bungee cords. And he might just think it's fun." Parker took another sip of her very good coffee, and said, "And was this a stunt thing? And you were going to tell me where you were bailing out to before I left L.A., and you never did."

[swerval_zero]

"Oh, yeah, the regular gig didn't go through," Zero said, with a 'no big' handwave it didn't occur to her Parker couldn't see. "'m doing bit jobs. Films, like. But no, I was filmin' the next ep of Zero vs. Hollywood. It should be up...tomorrow. Next day. Whenever I get a chance to finish the credits for this one."

Meaning 'the stick figures making fun of Gerard Butler's movies that will play under the credits.'

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"That's a shame. How's the cash for that doing? And how's Rainbow working out?" Parker stopped to watch the geese on the water as she crossed the bridge. "And good! Elizabeth loves those, almost more than I do. When she graduates, she wants to be in your next movie. And who were you taking on this time around?"

[swerval_zero]

"Well, so far, it's costing me about a buck fifty per episode," Zero admitted. "But I have some more ambitious ideas in mind, so. We'll see. Rainbow's doin' swerval, except I think my film school friends make her nervous. We're not her kind, y'know? Which is why we need her." Zero stretched and assured her, "I'll find a role for Elizabeth. For sure. And, it was the Gerard Butler thing we talked about at Homecoming. Things have been crazy plus I couldn't get a good take until tonight."

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"Crazy how?" Parker crossed the bridge, checked her watch, then sighed as she saw the library come into view. It wouldn't be open for another half hour, almost, but she could talk to Zero until it was. "Yes, you do need Rainbow. Have her call me if she gets too weirded out. And good someone needs to tell Gerard he's losing his mind and his audience."

[swerval_zero]

"He's going to be in Coriolanus," Zero wailed. "I'd say it's a step up but it's the only Shakespeare play with 'anus' in the title, so. You know." Zero twirled her hair around her finger and said, "Oh, regular crazy. Papers here, papers there, plus, Chinese test. My Mandarin is edging toward passable." Unlike her English sometimes.

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"//Perfect. That much less chance we'll ever be understood by anyone eavesdropping,//" Parker saind in Mandarin, then switched to Cantonese and said, "//I wish I could disagree about Gerard. Plus it's political. Such a bad idea outside an election year.//"

She settled in on the steps of the Bodleian, and made a face at her watch. "//Chinese history paper due in three weeks. Defense, the week after that. Should be... horrible.//"

[swerval_zero]

"I'll stick to English right now," Zero said. "The other makes me want to cry a little right now, y'know?" Then she paused and said, "Oh, squall, I should've used the arsehole joke. Now I have to do another take. Or. No. Too obvious?" Then, "Is the paper why you're up at godawful o'clock?"

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

Parker smirked, then said, "Mmmm, do one of each, then compare. I think you could carry it off... and yes, that's why. Competition has finally become competition, damn my fellow final-year students' ambition. There are resources that'll be gone if I don't get to them first after yesterday's tutoring session, and I could make one in particular's life Hell, but I'd rather get a First in Chinese. Bastard."

[swerval_zero]

"Be nice, Parker," Zero chided. Then she added, "But kick his arse."

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"Wearing the boots for it," Parker said, grinning widely. "And it keeps me from going crazy wondering about Jarod's whereabouts, stomping on my classmates. You think you can visit, over Christmas, or maybe in the spring?"

[swerval_zero]

"Christmas is...I think Christmas is currently 'undecided' so that's probably a no, but maybe spring break, like? When's yours?"

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"March through part of April. My last spring break, actually. Graduation's in June." Parker sighed. "Twenty-one in January. Almost through the degree. Plans in place..." Her voice trailed off, then firmed again. "And all of it on hold for this paper, so I'm not thinking about that yet. Academic excellence and hacking skills first."

[swerval_zero]

"Right, you get the long one. Squaller. Mine's...March fifteenth? Thereabouts. I'd have to check the calendar again. But, yes. Papers an' such now. Planlike things later when you've room to think."

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

"And when Jarod returns my calls. Then I can make progress.... Right. March? I'll make sure you've got space here. Elizabeth may even give up her bed, she's probably going to London." Parker took a breath. "Tell the Parker you're dating to take care. And keep his head down. And for Rainbow to call. Luck on your projects and don't crack your head open, please."

[swerval_zero]

"Will do," Zero agreed. "Have good studying. Try not to fall asleep on the books. I'm told they frown on that."