swerval_zero: (KB - blonde - lightning round!)
[personal profile] swerval_zero
Zero was sitting upside down on the couch, feet in the air and her head near the floor, and her camcorder had been rigged up under the coffee table with tape and a couple of unbent wire hangers. She reached over, pressed 'record,' and started reading from a set of index cards all metaed as appropriate:

"Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life: terrible." She tossed that one aside. "300." She looked over--or under, rather--the index cards at the camera. "Full of eye candy, but let's face it. Terrible." Toss. "Gamer: terrible." Toss. "Law Abiding Citizen. Terrible." Toss. "The Ugly Truth. Terrible. Coriolanus. Upcoming. Shakespeare, so it's automatically classy. But also, possibly the Bard's most dreadful play." And now she was out of cards. "I'm speaking, of course, about Gerard Butler. I'm concerned, Internet. He's very attractive and very Scottish, but he keeps making terrible movies. There are really two possibilities here. One: he's actually a terrible actor. I don't think it's that, though, because it's not just him. The whole movies are bad. So that leaves two: he shouldn't be allowed to pick his own movies any more. I think it might be two. Wiki used to tell me he'd been signed on to a movie based on a Sartre short story, but that's gone now, and anyway as we all know, Wiki lies. So, Gerard, if you're watching this. Gerry. Can I call you Gerry? Does anyone know if he calls hits on people who call him Gerry? Maybe we'd better stick with Gerard. You need help. You need someone to tell you 'no, that sounds terrible.' Your agent isn't going to say 'gin, because they're making money hand over fist off your crap movies. Luckily, I have a solution. You're making money hand over fist. You can hire someone to tell you which movies to make. You can hire me! I can do it over the phone, and I work cheap. 'It's a movie about how gamers have no respect for human life.' 'No.' Click. See how easy that would've been? So, Gerard Butler." Zero reached up onto the couch and held a sign that read 'Call Me' in front of her face. Upside down. After a moment she rotated it right side up so it was readable, then reached out and hit stop on the camera.

Then she sat up, because all of her blood was currently in her head and she didn't think that was a great thing.

Take number seventeen of episode number 6 of Zero vs. Hollywood was a success.

((Open to the boyfriend or for phone calls/e-mails/carrier pigeons.))
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June 2015

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